He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
