tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
