THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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