I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
