Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
