this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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