I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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