I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Soap is not a condiment
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
