My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
