Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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