Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize