please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
