Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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