her vagina looked like bernie madoff
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
