I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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