update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
tell me about the eggs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
