Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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