i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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