We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
