i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
