I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
