chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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