There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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