the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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