you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
