Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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