My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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