I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
