I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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