My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
