this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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