this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
