Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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