i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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