The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
