You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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