Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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