My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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