Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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