Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
