You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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