I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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