ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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