dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize