I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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