so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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