it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
