i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
