i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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