i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
