I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
