Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
