i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
