We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
