You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
