I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
