Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
