I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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