I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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