Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
