We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
