I didn't shave. On purpose
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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