I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
